(Satire Alert) – On the campaign trail this year, Assemblyman James Oscarson has been harder to find than Waldo.
But from what little we’ve seen from his campaign mailers and billboards so far, if he was to actually sit down for an in-depth interview with FOX News’ Chris Wallace – moderator of the last presidential debate – we think it might go something like this…
WALLACE: Mr. Oscarson, your opponent in the Assembly District 36 race, Dennis Hof, has criticized you extensively for voting for the largest tax hike in Nevada history in the 2015 legislative session. How do you respond?
OSCARSON: Well, that’s easy, Chris. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: Excuse me?
OSCARSON: You heard me, Chris. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: I see. Mr. Hof is also criticizing you for voting for 29 out of 32 other tax hikes last year, including voting for a new business tax that more than 80 percent of your constituents rejected at the ballot box in 2014. Why did you vote for such a staggering number of tax hikes?
OSCARSON: Same answer, Chris. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: Um, OK. But Mr. Oscarson, you voted for all of those tax hikes despite promising the voters of your district that you would oppose raising taxes. Does it bother you that you broke the voters’ trust?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel, Chris. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: After voting for the $1.4 billion tax hike last year, you told a newspaper reporter that you did it at the request of some special interests. Since that time, you’ve raised over a quarter-million dollars from various lobbyists, PACs and other special interests. Your opponent says this proves your vote is for sale. Is it?
OSCARSON: Of course. It was pay to play. Everyone knows that. But pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: After voting for the largest tax hike in Nevada history, the Nye County Republican Party accused you of “defrauding” the voters of the district and took the extraordinary measure of “excommunicating” you from the party. It also urges voters not to vote for you in this election. What do you have to say to those Republican leaders and grassroots activists who feel so betrayed by you?
OSCARSON: Three simple words, Chris. Pimp. Sex. Brothel.
WALLACE: Uh-huh. Mr. Hof has signed the Taxpayer Protection Pledge promising, in writing, to oppose and vote against any and all efforts to increase taxes again. You’ve refused to sign the Tax Pledge. Why should people trust you to keep your word on tax hikes if you’re re-elected?
OSCARSON: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: Mr. Hof has also raised a very legitimate question on the matter of trust. If voters can’t trust you to keep your word on protecting them from tax hikes, why should they trust you on anything else you say?
OSCARSON: Oh, that’s an easy one. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE (scratching his head): Let’s move on to another topic. You’ve admitted that you were once arrested in Arizona for assault and disorderly conduct at a kids’ hockey game, but have yet to explain who it was you assaulted and why. What’s the full story?
OSCARSON: Well Chris, that happened years ago and pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: In your plea bargain on the assault charge, you were sentenced to an anger management program. Some say you still have trouble controlling your temper and your explosive personality makes it difficult for your colleagues to work with you in Carson City. Is that true?
OSCARSON (jumping up, red in the face): Who the (bleep) said that?!! I’ll kick their (bleeping) (bleep)! That’s pure bull(bleep)! I don’t have a (bleeping) anger (bleeping) management problem!! I ought to rip you (bleeping) head off for even asking such a (bleeping) ridiculous question!!!
WALLACE (clearly taken aback): Whoa, whoa, WHOA, Mr. Oscarson! Settle down. Goosfraba! Goosfraba!
OSCARSON (settling down): Woo! Sorry, Chris. I meant to say pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: OK, OK. Do you think you can continue with the interview or do you need some medication?
OSCARSON: I’m good now, Chris. Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: You say in your campaign literature that you support campus carry – legislation that would allow people with concealed carry permits to carry their weapons on college and university campuses – but voted against the campus carry bill last year. How do you explain that?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: Hmm, OK. It was also recently discovered that Nevadans with medical marijuana cards are no longer allowed to purchase weapons. What have you done to fix that problem for your constituents and protect their Second Amendment rights?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: You also say you will protect your constituents water rights, but many now fear you’ll cut a deal and sell them out the same way you did on taxes. How can they be certain you’ll keep your word on such an important issue to so many private well owners?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: You’ve said you voted to raise taxes because Gov. Sandoval said Nevada needed more money for education. But everyone knows more money won’t fix education. And to make matters worse, almost all of that money went to Las Vegas and Reno schools, not the rural schools you represent. Why did you short-change the children of District 36?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE: Mr. Hof has challenged you to debate him in public anytime, anywhere. Will you accept his challenge?
OSCARSON: Pimp, sex, brothel.
WALLACE (clearly frustrated): OK, I can see we’re not going to get anywhere here. Thank you for spending some time with us today and I commend your ability to stay on message, as ridiculously meaningless as it is, and your refusal to answer any serious questions on any serious issues.
OSCARSON: It’s been a pimp, sex, brothel pleasure, Chris. Let’s do it again sometime. And remember…pimp, sex, brothel!